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Please keep returning here as
I plan to post jokes regularly (Clean ones so don't worry parents). So if you
know any good jokes please feel to send them to me and I'll post them
here. Yes even the groaners and I'll even say who sent them. Though not
short these may give you an idea into the kind of my humour. Newer jokes
are at the top.
Goldberg was bragging to his
boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name
someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called
his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it." so Goldberg and his boss
fly out to Hollywood and knocks on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come
right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is
still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he
thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone
else," Goldberg says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg
on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a
surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss
is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the
White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him
to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg.
"I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg
and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed
toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the
Pope on on the balcony but by that time Goldberg returns and he finds that his
boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What
happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me
Who's that on the balcony with
A man stood before Saint Peter
at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asked him questions to decide his fate,
"Have you been a good man, my son?" he asked, "Have you been
sober and chaste?
The man replied, "Saint Peter I must confess I was neither sober nor
chaste, I spent much time the taverns, I drank far too much wine and was far too
fond of the maidens of the town".
At this Saint Peter’s face clouded over and he made black marks in the Great
Book. Then asked Saint Peter, "Have you lied and cheated and did you
regularly attend church on Sunday?"
"Saint Peter" replied the man "I often lied and cheated and
seldom attended church on a Sunday But, this like the drinking was due to the
nature of my work".
On hearing the first two answers Saint Peter’s face took on the aspect of
thunder and he made further black marks in the Book, but then he looked puzzled
and asked "What was the nature of your work that caused you
to lie, drink, cheat and kept you from church on Sunday?".
"Why" said the man "I was a Children's Entertainer"
At this Saint Peter's face broke into a wreath of smiles, he struck through all
the black marks and he opened his arms "Come my son" he said,
, you have served more than your time in Hell"
These quotes are from
actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but
more of a definite won't-be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better.
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored,
he is the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train
is not coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be
watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.