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JOKES PAGE

 

Please keep returning here as I plan to post jokes regularly (Clean ones so don't worry parents). So if you know any good jokes please feel to send them to me and I'll post them here. Yes even the groaners and I'll even say who sent them.  Though not short these may give you an idea into the kind of my humour.  Newer jokes are at the top.

 

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."  so Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knocks on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you!  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he  thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."  And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise.  I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in.  Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed
toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on on the balcony but by that time Goldberg returns and he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"  His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,  

Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?

A man stood before Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asked him questions to decide his fate, "Have you been a good man, my son?" he asked, "Have you been sober and chaste?

The man replied, "Saint Peter I must confess I was neither sober nor chaste, I spent much time the taverns, I drank far too much wine and was far too fond of the maidens of the town".

At this Saint Peter’s face clouded over and he made black marks in the Great Book. Then asked Saint Peter, "Have you lied and cheated and did you regularly attend church on Sunday?"

"Saint Peter" replied the man "I often lied and cheated and seldom attended church on a Sunday But, this like the drinking was due to the nature of my work".

On hearing the first two answers Saint Peter’s face took on the aspect of thunder and he made further black marks in the Book, but then he looked puzzled and asked "What was the nature of your work that caused you
to lie, drink, cheat and kept you from church on Sunday?".

"Why" said the man "I was a Children's Entertainer"

At this Saint Peter's face broke into a wreath of smiles, he struck through all the black marks and he opened his arms "Come my son" he said, "Enter the Kingdom of Heaven , you have served more than your time in Hell"

These quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:


1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.

14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

15. He has been working with glue too much.

16. He would argue with a signpost.

17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.

20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.

24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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